I’ve been asked this question more frequently since the beginning of the pandemic.
We are going through several crises that feel out of our control right now, so it’s no wonder so many of us are grappling with this struggle. We’re facing COVID-19, a tumultuous racial justice movement, and unfathomable political strife.
So, if you’re feeling this, please know you are not alone.
First, I want to deconstruct the word “control” and our notions of this word. We often see this word as “dirty”, being negative, or even abusive. At the lowest manifestation of this word, all those notions can be true. However, what I’m referring to here is really “having/feeling a sense of order”.
So, of course, when the world feels so chaotic and out of control, we will be looking for a sense of order to help us feel some sense of “normalcy” again. I mean, seriously, why wouldn’t we?
There’s nothing wrong with you for craving order, but sometimes this way of being dictates our lives or irritates us, and that can be unpleasant or become unhealthy for us and those around us.
Let’s start with some signs that may indicate that you’re struggling with a lack of control:
You are easily irritated by items being out of place in your home.
You feel helpless and unhelpful.
You are cleaning more than usual or needing your surroundings to be tidier than usual.
You’re constantly trying to find a routine for yourself that makes you feel better.
You find yourself needing to have the last word or arguing about things that aren’t typical for you.
You are overeating, undereating, exercising in ways that don’t feel good for your body, but you do it anyway.
If any of the above resonates with you, then you may be struggling with the feeling that much of life is out of your control right now.
Here are some ideas that have been helpful for people:
Bring fresh energy into your space with fresh flowers, a new plant, or aromatherapy.
Try tidying up once a week or first thing in the morning, so that it doesn’t affect the rest of your week/day.
Remind yourself that little things like shoes not being in their place aren’t going to change the state of our world. Believe me, I wish it could!
Try making going inward, sitting in silence, stillness part of your routine, and see what shifts for you. Sometimes routines aren’t sticking because they are simply a distraction from being with ourselves.
Before you begin an argument, ask yourself why you’re feeling irritated about those misplaced shoes. Take a few deep breaths, and then decide if it’s worth the word war.
Before eating and/or exercising, asking yourself, “What would feel nourishing for my body, mind, and soul today?”
Search for a community organization to get involved with that aligns with your values— food pantry, political activities, social justice organization, etc.
I hope these tips are helpful for you in some way. May we feel empowered to take aligned control over what we can affect, and make space to let go of that which we cannot.
With fierce compassion,
Leah
Go Deeper
Here are some journaling prompts/questions to help you unpack the lack of control you are feeling. You can bring these into therapy, into coaching, or discuss them with friends and family.
Make a list of all the things you worry about. Everything. Don’t hold back.
Next, divide that list into three categories: worries I have control over, worries I have some control over, worries I have no control over.
How does it feel now that you have your worries categorized? Has doing so sparked any insights?
Now, begin to focus on the worries you have control over and those that you have some control over. Start brainstorming ways to engage with these worries— maybe it’s making doctors apt, maybe it’s committing to voting in the next election, maybe it’s hiring a babysitter more often. There are no right or wrongs here. The key is to make your goals realistic.
Finally, regarding those worries that you don’t have control over find tools that help you let them go— meditation, therapy, intentional rituals, loving self-talk.